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I used to try really hard to be nice, but that's over now – and I want others to get over it too. Because at work, “being nice” is a trap.
I first became aware of this early in my leadership career, before I became a human resources manager. I was working on a merger and a young team member was eager to take on an important role. Deep down, I knew she wasn't ready. But I wanted to be a nice leader. So I ignored my instincts and displayed what author Kim Scott has called “ruinous empathy.” In my effort to give this teammate what she wanted, I set her up for failure in tough negotiations. The result: panic attacks for her and huge headaches for the team.
I'm not the only one who wants to be liked at work. And I think for many women, this can be particularly challenging. Women are told to smile and are raised to please everyone. It's no coincidence that we use more smileys in our communications. Not to mention that one study suggests that stereotypes about middle-aged women being “less nice” can hinder them in their careers.
However, over the course of my career in HR, I have found that kindness now dominates a large part of our working lives – and that is a mistake.
Here's why this is the case and what you can do instead:
The problem with being nice
Conflict is inevitable in any productive team. And yet our desire to be liked – to not upset anyone and to create “artificial harmony” – is constant. Telling someone “no” or “we need to improve” doesn't get us many smiles. So we avoid it and try even harder to be liked. But when we choose niceness over genuine commitment, we lose the chance to inspire improvement. “Niceness” has a chilling effect on growth.
Ultimately, this preference for niceness is about you, not the person you are being “nice” to. It's about wanting to be liked, at the expense of honesty. It's a selfishness that prioritizes the preference for “niceness” that isn't that far removed from the selfishness of a bully in the workplace. The nice coworker and the mean one both emphasize their own interests. And both attitudes have the same effect: they prevent the team from growing. Nice people (just like mean people) don't really care about the results of the group.
So what is the alternative? Kindness.
I know – being kind sounds a lot like being nice, but the difference is crucial. Being nice means feeling like a “good guy” yourself. Being kind means what you can do for others. In other words, being nice means telling people what they want to hear, and being kind means telling them what they need to hear.
Related: Conflict is inevitable but necessary. Here's how to stay calm during an argument and recover afterward.
A path to kindness
When I fall into the “niceness trap,” I can free myself by admitting that I've made things about myself. On the other hand, when my motivation is to help others or the larger company, then I know I'm moving in the right direction – toward kindness.
If I know my goal is based on kindness, I have a few key tactics at my disposal to help me achieve it. These are especially useful for first-line managers and those on a leadership team, but building a culture of kindness is everyone's job.
1. Build trust first
The nicest feedback in the world is useless if no one trusts your intentions. Studies show that workplaces where people trust each other are more productive. And why is that? Because when I trust you, I can listen to you. I no longer think that we are enemies, but believe that we are on the same team. As a result, I can take action and improve.
2. Take radical responsibility
Addressing a missed deadline or asking about an angry customer is ultimately a nice gesture because it makes the team better. By taking responsibility yourself – and asking what obstacles you caused – you prove that your motivation is not punitive. In contrast, a nice leader who lets everything slide only increases the likelihood that the team's personal development will stagnate.
3. Talk with – not about
Covert criticism is more common than we'd like to admit. But when accountability has become commonplace in the office, it's fair to expect more direct forms of feedback. If you have a problem with someone's performance (or attitude), you may be inclined to speak to their manager, but kindness dictates that we tell them to their face first and give them a chance to respond. I know this can be stressful. Kindness often takes more courage than niceness.
4. Get ready for the Rumble.
In my role as HR Director at Pantheon, I set aside times to encourage conflict—moments when we discuss different perspectives in a safe environment. I then tell the team, “It’s time for a fight.” It’s a surprising form of kindness because giving conflict an official arena allows people to drop their defensiveness and passive-aggressive tones. They know it’s safe to argue. During the fight, breakthroughs and creative new ideas often emerge.
ROI for kindness
The cultural shift from niceness to friendliness creates space for honesty, accountability and fear-free conflict. The results are profound – productivity and peak performance increase rapidly when our worries about “being nice” are finally put to rest.
Employee satisfaction also increases. When employees stop spouting platitudes and are honest about what works and what doesn't, we learn that someone really cares about what we do. We learn that our work is important and that others depend on our efforts. A friendly workplace reminds us that our contributions are critical to the success of the entire team.
All of these benefits of kindness aren't free, of course. It takes real work to go beyond the simple attitude of “being nice.” I can only provide sustained mentorship and feedback to a few dozen people at most. So the ultimate ROI for kindness has to be that it inspires others to do the same – share the burden. It's up to all of us to pay it forward and create a culture of kindness together.
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